Okay, so earlier I’ve wrote about this conflict between my superego and my unconscious. This conflict has somehow transformed into a monstrous form since I’ve had my heart broken and then healed. I worry just about everything. I am currently trying to think about the tune to write this at. I usually pick up some melody and listen to it nonstop while writing. Elton John is way too optimistic about his father’s death in “My Farther’s Gun” so I guess I have to go and shift the tune.
Let’s try Pernice Brothers.
So I worry about everything. No, Pernice Brothers suck. AND I am worried about this too. I can’t seem to get you off my mind, yeah, Jon McLaughlin sometimes reads my mind. After all we’re only human… All I see is ruin and devastation. After all we’re only human – always fighting what we’re feeling, hurt instead of healing… Life goes by and it leaves a trail of broken bones behind.
Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
So I worry. I do. And if I’ve got nothing to worry about myself I start worrying about people I care about. I worry about a frustrated friend, about unfulfilled (because of me) claims of another one, I am the one who is responsible for the group being not ready for the seminar (that’s because I should have prepared all the questions and not be that lazy as I am), I even hate myself for being unable to help – I must go out there and help everyone who needs it as I can do this. I must do that – I feel like doing just nothing around here. Nothing but relaxation, joy and entertainment. Everyone seems to be doing something useful and I am not. I am just using the resources given to me – I accept them for granted. Yes, I do see how stupid this tends to become. But I worry. I can’t stop myself from feeling.
I am only human and thus can’t make this world immediately better. And still I blame myself for not accomplishing this task. And I think that I must excel in my personal development. And I study too little. And I am not good enough for my own standards. God, somebody do kill that small shitty dictator sitting out there in my head!! I transcend the human knowledge or at least my mind and conscience all the time and still I make no contribution to the development of the humankind. Someone has produced all of those ideas before. For example hermaphrodites – I thought once that there won’t be any society if human beings were hermaphrodites. And know what? Two days after that I have been told by a lecturer that there is a scientist who developed an idea about human society existing because of the need for reproduction.
Yes, of course it is not exactly what I thought but so close it is no more needed to restate the idea.
My thoughts seem worthless and all I can do is to think. I can’t count, I can’t really sew or dance – I can just think, analyze and that’s it. It seems so much and so little at the same time. It is everything and nothing. You can’t touch it and still you can’t do without it.
I look at my philosophy lecturer and I understand – that much he understands about life is really quantity transferring in quality. He’d dislike this explanation perhaps but this is how I see it. And he has found his place in this life.
Perhaps it is a very common problem – trying to figure out your own place in this world and being frustrated about not being able to put your finger on it to show where exactly it is.
What I hate as well is the fragility of the contentedness state. Plato has argued that ideal is enduring, lasting. To feel content is something we all try to achieve. And it is so easy to break this balance and stop feeling content. So this is an ideal state that really is not stable – which could be a contra argument to Plato if we can define feeling content to be a perfect state of mind.
And maybe I should just enjoy the state of devastation along with my other more pleasant states. In the end everything is quite fine, everyone is healthy and alive, we have something to eat and something to keep busy with, we love and we suffer, we feel and we laugh at our own stupidity. We are human. And perhaps we are not only human but we are as much as HUMAN. We are everything. Van Morrison is the really rational one in this musical race. When no one steps on my dreams… When you don’t need to worry there’d be days like this… When you don’t get betrayed by that old Juda’s kiss… Then I must remember – there’d be days like this. When people understand what I mean… Well, my mama told me – there’d be days like this.
